The Sneeze Stands Alone (Ask Auntie)

Dear Aunt Scary Cookies,

Sneezing and how people react to it is confusing and sometimes embarrassing to me. When I sneeze, I simply say excuse me if anyone is around. I don't expect anyone to say "bless you". To me that is awkward and has nothing to do with manners but rather with a long standing habit that people think they are "supposed to say this." What do you have to say?

Sneezy


Dear “Sneezy”,

You came to the right place. A lot of people aren’t up on the latest sneeze theory, but your Auntie is a specialist of sorts. Really, I’m just superstitious as hell, but it amounts to the same thing.

Here’s the deal: Once upon a time when there were evil spirits in the forest and animals could have talked if they had anything pertinent to say, it was thought that when you sneezed your soul temporarily left your body. The “bless you” was to put you back together again.

In our gritty modern era, this is no longer true. Now, if you sneeze and people hear it and no one says anything, that’s just bad luck. So let them bless you or say Gesundheit or even Rumplestiltskin. It doesn’t matter, as long as there is verbal acknowledgement. Thank them. That way everyone is polite.

There’s an etiquette twist, and that is to say it yourself. “Excuse me” is fine. It doesn’t matter what is said, as long as something is, by you or anyone in earshot. The rule is all about people hearing you sneeze, not the sneeze itself.

Remember, if you sneeze in a forest and no one is around to hear it, you don’t have to excuse yourself.

The Case Of The Coughing Co-worker (Ask Auntie)

Hi aunt scary,
Long time reader, here. I finally have an issue you can help with.
How can I tell coworkers to cover their mouths when they cough? For months, a poor bastard near me (yes, we are in cubicles) has been coughing. Now, as you might expect, another co-worker right next to me has been coughing for a week. Go figure -- she probably got it from the first guy! How I wish those sad sounds were muffled. I'm really not unsympathetic, but please give some kind words to help me quell the germs floating over the cubicle wall!
-Just saw the movie Contagion
Sent from mobile device


Dear “Mobile Device”,

Thanks! Not sure what you mean by “long time reader” since this feature is only three days old, but thanks. Your loyalty is appreciated, so much so that I actually regret having to go all Tough Love on your ass.

You say that “Coughing Charlie” has been at it for months. My dear, there is a statute of limitations on certain kinds of rudeness, and you’ve lost your window. The good news is that the other coworker, the one who’s just come down with cough-itis, is still in your jurisdiction.

Rule #1- If you want to keep someone amenable, don’t make it about you.

“Are you okay? I’ve noticed that you’ve started to sound a little like Charlie over there. Can I get you a cup of tea or some lozenges or something?” Repeat some variation of this theme with every cough and not only will she try to stay quiet just to keep you out of her cube, you’ll come off like a nice person. An annoying person, but a nice one. And while you’re passing the Ricolas around, toss a few on Charlie’s desk. You never know.

“Ask Auntie” right here: AuntScarycookies@aol.com

Thus It Begins... (Ask Auntie)

Well, I asked for it. I did, just scroll down. You answered by throwing a gauntlet the size of a minivan in my face. But you know what? Auntie doesn’t scare that easily. Putting aside the very polite note Carlos Churchill wrote on behalf of his friend Ahmed Hassan to help move Mr. Hassan’s $18.7 million fortune here to the United States, we’ll begin with the last submission and work our way up to the first.

Thanks to all of you who spared me the indignity of writing the first few letters myself as someone suggested I do. There’s no way I would have thought of any of these.

Dear Aunt Scarycookies,

One of my secret fantasies is furries and being a character who has sex. I was wondering if you know anything about this and if you could give me some guidance on what to do. I don’t feel OK at all with telling people, but at the same time I keep thinking about it and want to know if more people are out there like me.

Howie

Dear “Howie”,

No, Auntie doesn’t know anything about it but that never stops her from giving guidance. Yes, keep this to yourself until you’re in a like-minded community, just because I’m guessing you don’t have a lot of martial arts training. That said, the words of wisdom you should take for a mantra are “Consenting adults”. There are lots of them. They live online. Find them and be happy.

Dear Aunt Scary Cookies,

How many pounds of butter can one safely eat at one time?

Richard


Dear “Richard”,

Unless you’re a character out of Dickens or Thackeray and actually have gout, the amount of butter you eat should be proportionate to the amount of exercise you get. Did you go to the gym this morning? Park a block away from work? Was there anything that caused the slightest increase of physical effort on your part? No? I didn’t think so. So here’s the rule: if you’re at home, you get one (count’em one!) of the little lines on the side of the wrapper. That’s a tablespoon. If you’re in an old school restaurant, you get one pat. If they serve it in little paper cups, you get half a little cup. Now either move your ass or don’t complain.

And now for the very first letter of Auntie Scary’s career as such:

Seeing our parents' mistakes, how come we aren't better parents?

I’m not a parent, but I’m not a Furry either and that didn’t stop me from answering “Howie”, so I won’t let it stop me now. First off, you’re already a better parent than you think you are just because you asked the question. You care how you’re parenting. That’s huge.

My parents’ generation, your grandparents’ generation, were all raised during the Depression, when good parenting just meant providing food and shelter. Your parents probably grew up during the Cold War, which wasn’t a particularly nurturing zeitgeist either. In other words, your parents were fucked up for a reason, and they probably didn’t know that they were fucked up because everyone around them was too.

You have the advantage here. You know. And you don’t want to pass it on to the next generation, which is an advantage for them.

So the answer to your question is that you’re doing a better job than your own parents did. Nobody’s perfect, but I bet you’re not making their mistakes, at least not twice. Wait and see the adult your kid turns into. Ultimately that’s how your parenting will be judged. Besides, you turned out fine, so stop worrying.

Well, that’s it for this inaugural episode of “Ask Auntie”. Thanks for sharing, thanks for visiting, and we’ll do this again as soon as Auntie has something to work with.

Remember, send your questions to AuntScarycookies@aol.com and until next time, behave yourselves.

"Ask Auntie"

Are you sitting down? Oh, right. Of course you are. Well, there’s going to be a brand-spanking new feature here on Scarycookies.

Assuming a minimal amount of audience participation (that means you, cutie patootie!) I’m going to start an occasional Agony Aunt, or in this case Agony Auntie, column.

Send all queries to AuntScarycookies@aol.com -- I promise, if I don’t know the answer, I’ll do my best to make up something that sounds good. And note the AOL – this is a clue not to hit me with technology problems. Etiquette surrounding the use of technology, sure. But if your hardware doesn’t work, trust me, you don’t want Auntie trying to fix it.

Of course all the usual caveats and disclaimers: Like that horoscope you pretended not to read this morning, “Ask Auntie” is for entertainment purposes only. I will edit or ignore anything that seems to need it, and I’ll make an effort to keep you anonymous.

So put on your thinking caps! All of my darling readers abroad, this means you too. Yes, you in Latvia, and you over there in the Netherlands. If the weather is nice in Malaysia, you can wait until monsoon season when you’re stuck indoors.

Remember, that’s AuntScarycookies@aol.com

Bring it!