The Sneeze Stands Alone (Ask Auntie)

Dear Aunt Scary Cookies,

Sneezing and how people react to it is confusing and sometimes embarrassing to me. When I sneeze, I simply say excuse me if anyone is around. I don't expect anyone to say "bless you". To me that is awkward and has nothing to do with manners but rather with a long standing habit that people think they are "supposed to say this." What do you have to say?

Sneezy


Dear “Sneezy”,

You came to the right place. A lot of people aren’t up on the latest sneeze theory, but your Auntie is a specialist of sorts. Really, I’m just superstitious as hell, but it amounts to the same thing.

Here’s the deal: Once upon a time when there were evil spirits in the forest and animals could have talked if they had anything pertinent to say, it was thought that when you sneezed your soul temporarily left your body. The “bless you” was to put you back together again.

In our gritty modern era, this is no longer true. Now, if you sneeze and people hear it and no one says anything, that’s just bad luck. So let them bless you or say Gesundheit or even Rumplestiltskin. It doesn’t matter, as long as there is verbal acknowledgement. Thank them. That way everyone is polite.

There’s an etiquette twist, and that is to say it yourself. “Excuse me” is fine. It doesn’t matter what is said, as long as something is, by you or anyone in earshot. The rule is all about people hearing you sneeze, not the sneeze itself.

Remember, if you sneeze in a forest and no one is around to hear it, you don’t have to excuse yourself.

Karma Insurance

There is harmony in the universe, but it’s not what you think. Turns out, karma is just basic math.

You may have heard of it. The official title is “Law of Averages”. Yep, our good old pal homeostasis. Events balance out. Got a string of bad luck? Something good will happen. It will, but you may not recognize it as such. You probably won’t feel like things evened out, but that’s basic math and math is an unfeeling subject.

Here’s my example: This morning I broke Robert’s favorite coffee mug. I knew I had to do something to balance that out or else something worse might happen. That’s my logic. Go get your own logic if you don’t like it.

It started with clearing off my desk. I dealt with every scrap of paper, every scribbled note scratched onto the back of something and tossed in a pile, the entire paper graveyard – not as an end in itself, mind you, but so that I could have the surface space to tackle one of the two outstanding projects that have been staring balefully at me for months now.

All that had to happen to compensate for my slip of the fingers at the kitchen sink.

I’m not even doing the nice project. (Sorry, Sis!) I’m doing the agonizing, no-good-side one. It sucks so badly that I stopped to write to all of you first. This is my last gasp of procrastination before destiny devours the day. I’ve decided that only finishing the horrible project can cancel out the karma and restore harmony to my tiny world.

Age of Aquarius, my ass. The paisley-pushers can bite me.

P.S. That was yesterday, and my system worked! Mock all you want, but the tide did turn. Knocking on wood now.