Thursday, July 24, 2014

(Ask Auntie) Phish Fry

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Thank you

Dear Click,

First, thanks for writing to !

Second, since you’re obviously a spambot, you won’t have noticed that the Ask Auntie feature has been moved to

Third, I haven’t made any comments on blogspot, nor do I click on links even if they’re not dubious. Ask my real-life friends who send me links all the time. Auntie just isn’t a clicker.

Nice try, hope the phish are biting somewhere else.

(Ask Auntie) Party Pooper

Dear Aunty,

So I told my friend I’d go to her birthday party but now I have a better offer for that same night. I can’t say I’m sick because she’d know it was a lie. What can I say to make her not mad that I’m not going to go?


Miss Popularity

Dear Not-Miss-Congeniality,

You could say, “There’s something I’d rather do than keep my promise to a friend” and let her react accordingly.

I’m sure you won’t have this problem again, at least not with her.

(Ask Auntie) When One Door Closes...

Dear Auntie S.,

How far behind you does someone need to be following you before it’s generally acceptable to NOT hold the elevator door open for them?


In a hurry

Dear Hurry,

If you can see the whites of their eyes, wait for them.

Unless, of course, you’re the kind of douche who can look someone in the eye and let the elevator close on them, in which case, why ask?

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Jubilant July

Gather round, my darlings. It’s that time of the year. A time when a young – okay, not young – man’s – ditto, so not a man – fancy turns to thoughts of… you guessed it… Thanksgiving dinner.

Those of you who know that my normal breakfast is Allmax Isonatural™ whey protein in at least 16 oz of strong coffee with soy milk might expect me to think about food first thing in the morning as a matter of course.

Nope. Auntie has always maintained that it’s vulgar to chew before noon.*

It’s just that time. Thanksgiving is the lodestone – or do I mean lodestar? – of my year. It’s when Auntie gets to show appreciation for loved ones, and to craft something that aspires to true spectacularosity.

Cardamom and nutmeg scented apple pie in cheddar crust is a must, because Melva likes it with Robert’s handmade vanilla ice cream and my own warm caramel sauce. And of course a free range happy turkey will die for the meal, even if I won’t eat any of him/her.

There will be stuffings and sweet potatoes and veg-veg-veggies galore, but therein lieth the mystery.

I’m thinking of Morrocan savory cinnamon spices with nuts in all sorts of tasty combinations filling tomatoes and peppers and baked to a lovely yum.

That goes with the turkey, sure, but not with the gougeres (gruyere pastry puffs) so maybe I want to stick with a more French flavor profile, more garlic and less cumin. I just made some beautiful roasted green beans with lemon zest, garlic and almonds. That would work. Also I thought of a Greek-style spinach pie with feta.

The possibilities boggle, my dears. They simply boggle.

But both alas and alack, it’s nearly time to set aside these fragrant mental murmurings and fall back into today with a thunk. Specifically that thunk the washing machine makes when it’s finished and I have to get up and go be useful in this moment.

Heavy sigh. I’d prefer heavy cream, but the sigh will do for now.

Have a glorious day, my children. Auntie will try not to neglect this blog so much in the future.

* Unless you have the opportunity to go to BeaBea’s, in which case chewing before noon is a delight.