Thursday, September 18, 2014

Life Lessons In Bulk At Costco™ On A Hot Day

At 10:00 a.m. you’ll be disappointed in a parking space that you’d fight for in the afternoon, even if it's right next to the cart retrieval thingy. No, not me. The guy in the pickup next to me cussing a blue streak.

Auntie jotted down the gist of this for you while the nice but irrational lady blocked the aisle:

“After this I go to Target, then Petco and I want to stop at Walgreen’s. What? (Pause) Why? (Long pause) NOOO!! Don’t you dare! Don’t touch it, I say! I’m coming straight home! Yes I am! Right now! (Short pause) Good. That’s settled. But I have to make a few stops first.”

The sturdy, mid-60s woman in the spaghetti-strap top had her tit fall out while she was loading her car. She didn’t put it back until her cart was empty. That was an object lesson in composure. And aplomb. She was chock-full of aplomb. Probably bought in bulk inside.

I saved the most important lesson for last, so only those of my darlings who have read this far will benefit. It’s a reward, and I hope to save you the ordeal Auntie went through to learn it. The most important lesson is this:

Never ever choose the shortest line. It’s a trap.

P.S. I said, “Would you please give me my card back?” And not one but two angry employees insisted that she had. I got home & searched everywhere. She hadn’t.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

(Ask Auntie) Playing For Keeps

Dear Aunt Scarycookies,

Why doesn't my husband love me anymore?


Sad Somewhere

Dear Sad,

Oh honey. Auntie is so sorry for you. I really am. But there is so much involved here, starting with your feeling of being unloved (which is tragic enough no matter how often people feel that way) and ending with the fact that you went to a total stranger on the Internet for help.

Thank you for your implied faith in me, but this is a real-life problem, and it requires a real-life solution.

Talk to him. If that doesn't do any good, find a qualified professional who can sit down with you and help. If you don't want a counselor, then find a reputable lawyer.

Good luck!