Breaking The Law

It’s time to review my Laws Of Narrative™. Mostly this is because I’ve been reading murder mysteries, so they’re fresh in my mind. Besides, this is a parlor trick I can teach all of you. Amaze your friends! Pick out the murderer by the third scene! It’s easy when you know how. First, foremost and most importantly, the inviolate rule is:

1. You never, ever, diss Angela Lansbury.

Or Raymond Burr, or any Poirot but especially David Suchet. If you do, then you are either the murderer or one of the later victims. The way you tell which it will be is by whether the character is generally unpleasant or if this was an isolated incident. Assholes will get killed.

Now a twofer for symmetry:

2. If someone went missing, then they’re dead. If they’re presumed to have died years ago, then they’re still alive.

That’s kind of a gimme. It goes along with:

3. If there’s no body, s/he’s still alive.

Obvious, sure, but not all of you grew up reading comic books. Well, maybe you did, but this is one of the many lessons they teach.

4. Anyone who survives a murder attempt is either the murderer or is in on the conspiracy.

The next one only applies to gritty noir or soldier of fortune derivatives:

5. The detective will be betrayed by someone close to him (it’s always a him in these cases) who has no apparent reason for doing so.

That came from a recent try at reading a new author. I saw it coming and was sorely pissed.

That’s enough to start with. If you’re only reading current stuff then this ought to cover you. There’s been a moral streak growing for about a decade, wherein the more vile the character, the more dastardly his/her end. You don’t need sophisticated variables for that. Nor is there any point in having a drinking game based on the moment when the detective says, “I know who did it, I just need evidence.”

All of which explains why I’m going to rifle my shelves for old Rex Stouts and Ngaio Marshes. Better to know and be entertained, than to be able to guess so easily.