Don't Worry, Be Happy

What did you want to be when you grew up?

I know someone who wanted to be a lawyer, not in vitro, but shortly after breathing independently. Robert wanted to be a whale. It’s a funny story, but not mine to tell. Ask him.

Me? I wanted not to be afraid anymore.

It was an adolescent thing. Before that I wanted to be a ballet dancer. Even in adolescence I wanted to be a ballet dancer. Hell, I’d still like to be a ballet dancer. But by age thirteen I was 5’8”, busty and ungainly, so it was never an option. Then I just wanted not to be afraid. At least that’s how I phrased it to myself at the time. In retrospect, I think I wanted to be strong.

Over time timidity was replaced by hesitance. This in turn became recklessness. Survival bred confidence, which grew into strength. The process took about ten years. Imagine achieving your heart’s desire in your 20s – and being aware of it, which I was. I’ve never been ambitious. Ask anyone who has worked with me. Instead, I’ve been happy, knock on wood. I value that.

Oh sure, I have monstrously bad moods which can last for days and infect the innocents around me. I’m not a particularly nice person, but I try to be gracious. I care about people. To my credit, I keep the lessons I’ve learned, and I try to wear my scars with wisdom rather than pride. Sometimes I succeed. It’s enough.

Let’s talk about you. What path did you start on, and where have the branches taken you? Are you an astronaut, a poet or a cowgirl? Did you crave a moment in the spotlight, and did you ever get it?

Imagine what you would say to the younger you, if you could. I think the best would be: “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”