The Tale Of The Invisible Friend (Ask Auntie)

Dear Aunt Scarycookies,

I have a friend who has the rather annoying (to me) habit of setting herself on "invisible" in chat programs and then starting conversations with me. Is there any guideline to the etiquette of such interactions? It's not like she's a movie star, or inordinately popular, or anything like that. Should I point out these facts to her, refuse to talk to her unless she is "visible," or what?

- Vexted in Vancouver

Dear “Vexted”,

An IM is the tech equivalent of tapping a person and saying, “Excuse me.” That’s not so bad, is it? But when you add the invisibility factor, everything changes.

Now the analogy has her on tippy-toes, silently sneaking up behind you. Then she jumps up and screams in your ear. No polite tap on the shoulder, no “Excuse me.” Just that little noise and the screen popping open in the middle of your work, or whatever you’re doing instead of work.

Some people might say that since you had the chat program open, you had ostensibly put out a welcome mat for IMs. Ignore those people. Your friend is violating chat program protocol. Etiquette requires visibility before messaging. Invisibility is for those who choose to shut up. She’s welcome to it only as long as she keeps her keyboard to herself.

Personally, I blame “call waiting”. That was technology’s kill shot to manners. But I digress.

How often do you let a phone call go straight to voice mail? Often enough, I bet. So you know how to ignore the IM until it’s a convenient time to answer it. And that answer might be, “Sorry, can’t chat. Really busy.”

Or, if she’s really annoying, tell her “My Aunt Scary says I’m not allowed to chat with you.” She can write her own letter when she feels neglected and abandoned.