Yelp, Yelp Me Rhonda

It started when I met a friend for dinner. He was going to get a free cookie for dessert because he checked in on Foursquare. Apparently the restaurant had a deal going. Also apparently, the restaurant didn’t tell the wait-staff about it, because the server had never heard of Foursquare.

My friend got the free cookie anyhow.

Auntie doesn’t Foursquare. I see you sweeties one at a time, usually by arrangement. When we’re trying to decide where to meet, Foursquare doesn’t get a vote. Neither does Yelp.

(Before there was Yelp, I didn’t look at Zagat either, so for once it’s not a technology thing.)

It’s a very nice idea, Yelp is, and Zagat before it. Instead of jaded, snooty professional food critics, let’s hear about restaurants from People Just Like Us.

The cynic in me wants to add, “If we were related to the proprietors.”

Notice I said “related to” and not “friends with”. That’s because I’ve seen some reviews that sounded as gratuitously vicious as the others were hyperbolically glowing. (Insert joke about dysfunctional families here.)

Of course a lot of the reviews (both good and bad) are fair and well-deserved. The problem is picking those out from the sea of self-aggrandizing bile and adoration.

So I stopped looking at Yelp.

Now it seems like whenever I’m in front of a cash register, someone tells me “If you give us a good review on Yelp, we’ll give you a free (semi-useless object or tiny discount)!”

Look how cagey they are – it’s not enough that you review the place/product/service. You have to do it their way.

In other words; it’s not enough to like them, you have to like them in a way they like.

Phooey.

I never voted in Zagat, but I left a review on Yelp once, years and years and years ago when it first started. I did it for my hairdresser, who is also a friend. I spent half an hour crafting the compliments so they sang odes to her talent and general worthiness.

Yes, it was a good review, but she really is a very good hairdresser. And I didn’t get anything for telling you that.