Hooray For Hollywood!

Hollywood can be a massively foolish place, mostly because of the actors. I know whereof I speak. I was born here. (The hospital is now a Scientology center. Roll your eyes if you want to.) Ergo, I’ve been around actors my whole life.

I was on TV a lot too, but as a kid. (Raise your hand if you remember the Hobo Kelly Show! Yeah, yeah, I know. Before your time. Never mind.)

Where was I? Oh, right. Actors. They say the darnedest things.

Take last Friday night, f’rinstance. I was standing outside of Danger Room (check them out on Facebook) when I heard somebody say:

“I know you’ve lost weight, but that doesn’t make you a real actor.”

That’s verbatim. I jotted it down right away, because the tone made it glorious, it was said so very seriously.

Marcus Welby used that same tone in the Sanka commercials. (That’s a joke for the old people. Dr. Marcus Welby was a character played by Robert Young, who… oh never mind again.)

To be fair, the term “actor thin” has always had meaning here, whether or not the camera really adds ten pounds. It’s gender neutral, too. In Friday’s Improv show, one young woman lifted up her skirt and one young man removed his shirt. Equal opportunity skinny.

It was still a ridiculous thing to say, which is the point. They do that.

Every non-famous actor I’ve ever met exists on a survival spectrum between “I have to get an agent” and “I need a new agent”. I’d feel sorry for agents except I’ve disliked every one I’ve ever worked with up to now. (…as the burned bridge collapses into the Internet.)

My favorite stupid actor utterance came from an attractive young female. She was hanging all over Robert outside a theater one night. Granted, she was only doing it to cut in line, but she should’ve picked someone else. It was the one time I allowed him to introduce me as his “wife”, a term I loathe. She still didn’t budge. So I politely but explicitly told her to let go of him.

She said, and I quote, “It’s okay, we know each other.”

Believe me, one minute later she wasn’t holding on to him anymore. End of story.

Damn, I wish I had some Sanka now.