Howdy Do

People used to say, “How do you do?” This looked like a question, but wasn’t. You know it wasn’t, because the answer was a reiteration, “How do you do?” It was basic, it was polite, and it was complete. I miss it.

Now we say, “How are you?” This isn’t a question either. It isn’t because the one who asks it first is the one who answers it. Trust me. It’s true.

Here’s the scenario: “Hi. How are you?” they say. You say, “Fine, how are you?” And you do say it. You may have had cutesy-pie stock answers in the past, but by now you’ve given up. So after you say, “Fine, how are you?” what happens? Exactly! They answer as if it had been a real question. They do, you don’t. The one who asks first, is the one who answers. Q.E.D.

Sure, when I’m with friends, I want them to answer. I want to know how they are, how that thing turned out, what happened after I saw them last. I’m not talking about friends, I’m talking about all those people we don’t know but we end up talking to every day. You know who I mean.

Sometimes, just to break the pattern, I say “Fine, thanks.” This ends it, but borders on rude. Or if I try to do an end run and say it first, I come up against someone who doesn’t follow the form and actually answers, usually in graphic, clinical and anecdotal detail. (For some reason, this tends to happen most often in Ladies’ rooms. Sociologists, feel free to use this data without attribution.)

I’d switch to “How’s it hanging?” except I don’t really want to know.