When You're A Culpa

Everyone gather round. Today’s lesson is on the art of apology.

“You want me to apologize? Fine. This is me apologizing.”

Those words were spoken to me less than an hour ago, but don’t worry, not by anyone you know, and not by someone who reads this blog (though he’s welcome to.)

The basic requirements for an apology are, in alphabetical order: acknowledgement and regret.

Acknowledge the problem, whether it’s a failure of some sort or even “just” a miscommunication. This means noting that a problem occurred, and that it is indeed a problem. You may not be responsible for it at all, or only partially responsible, but it happened. Say so.

Regret is trickier, because it requires sincerity and most of us in that sort of moment are too defensive for that. No, you may not say “I’m sorry you’re upset.” Not ever. Not even facetiously. Yes, I know it’s true. You are very sorry the other person is upset. You still have to put on grown-up pants and deal with it properly.

Here’s the short cut to a functional apology: Acknowledge the problem, and honestly regret any part you had in causing it. Since most problems have at least two contributors, what you’re really arguing is ratio anyhow.

Take my example from this morning. I had a witness for my side, so technically I can prove I was right, but that’s not enough. I could have prevented the problem and I didn’t, so I have some responsibility.

Which leads me to the implied part three of a successful apology: Never apologize while on a cell phone. For an apology to work, the other person has to be able to hear you.