An Alternate History Of Starbucks

Once upon a time, this conversation might have occurred. Then again, it might not have.

Decorator #1: “I just got the greatest gig! I’m going to decorate a coffeehouse!”

Decorator #2: “Big deal. Some bad art by local artists and mopey pretty young people. There’s no money in it.”

Decorator #1: “This one is called Starbucks. It’s going to be huge, bigger than you can imagine.”

Decorator #2: “As big as a movie theater?”

Decorator #1: “No, I meant it metaphorically. There’s going to be one on almost every block in the whole world. Besides, movie theaters are going to get really small, so that’s a bad analogy on every level.”

Decorator #2 snorts scornfully: “I think somebody’s been sniffing wallpaper paste again.”

Decorator #1: “I thought I’d have a laptop on all the tables. You know, as a kind of themed centerpiece.”

Decorator #2 snorts again, more scornfully: “Laps go under tables, not on top of them. That’s the whole point of sitting in a chair.”

Decorator #1: “No, I mean a small, portable computer.”

Decorator #2 gives up snorting, blows nose in a nicely monogrammed linen hanky: “Stupid idea. Nobody wants to take work with them everywhere.”

Decorator #1: “Trust me.”

Decorator #2: “Hmm. I get it. A small computer would cost much less than a normal-sized one. That could still end up being really expensive.”

Decorator #1: “It’s okay. There’s an infinite number of people in Los Angeles who want to be screenwriters. We’ll have plenty.”

Decorator #2: “A screenplay on every screen? How monotonous and utterly boring.”

Decorator #1: “You’re right. Every once in a while, we’ll set one to Facebook, just for contrast.”

Decorator #2: “What’s Facebook?”

Decorator #1: “Don’t ask.”

And so it came to pass. This is dedicated to everyone without a laptop in any Starbucks in the Greater Los Angeles area. All five of us.