Concession Stand

In the last few weeks I’ve watched a few couples around us fall apart for a variety of reasons, many of which don’t apply to this discussion. It’s sad, but there’s nothing anyone outside the bedroom can do to help.

Of course Auntie still wants to help, so I’m going to give you the best relationship wisdom I’ve ever run across.

Remember the second “Newhart” show? Peter Scolari had a brilliant line in that one. Referring to how they solved problems in his relationship, he said they “count the really’s.”

I loved that. I kept it since then. We live by it. It means that if one person really wants Thai but the other really really wants pizza, we go to the Italian restaurant. Or maybe we get both to go and eat at home.

You get the idea.

There’s something that needs pointing out and elucidating, to wit:

“Compromise” does NOT mean “concession”.

Don’t say duh, and don’t skim past this. It’s bigger than you realize. Both compromise and concession have value in a relationship, but they’re not the same thing at all.

Compromise means neither person gets their own way. Everyone has to give up something, not necessarily in equal measure, but they each have to ante into the relationship kitty.

It works when both people are willing to make an effort, to change or even forfeit something they wanted because they value the other person (or the relationship) more than their own stuff.

Ok, that’s compromise. Let’s move on to the other thing.

Concession works on basically the same principle (i.e. that the relationship or other person is more important than either individual’s wants) but concession means one person pays the whole tab.

It has to be given freely or it’s not concession, it’s a problem bigger than a blog post.

Auntie really really really wants you to be happy. So please stand up for yourself when it matters and concede graciously when it doesn’t. I wish you the wisdom to tell the difference.

Now let’s get some pizza, unless you really want Thai. I’m fine with that too.