Sunday, July 21, 2013

Trashed Talk

Warning: Auntie is cranky today. You might want to move the screen a little farther from your face. You know, just in case I spit or something.

Once again, someone Asked Auntie in real life for advice, and as soon as I began to answer, their eyes glazed over and I could practically hear their ears slam shut.

Don’t get me wrong, I kept going. Ask Jonah how often I talk without an audience. He doesn’t listen to me either unless I use the words “num”, “nummy” or “num num”.

Adorable little dogs with better things to do notwithstanding, nobody likes to be ignored.

Nobody likes to be bored either. I can’t help you with that.

However, in the spirit of bimbos and etiquette advisers throughout history, I can teach you how not to be rude. You just have to fake attention, at least when you're talking to me.

The symptoms to watch out for (and not let me see) are as follows: First your mouth droops. Then your eyes dart away. All your replies begin with the word “but”. You know, like you’re doing right now.

Don’t do any of that.

Eyes forward. If a smile isn’t appropriate, at least don’t sneer. And if you can say something that sounds like you understood what I meant, you’re golden.

Remember, attention simulates respect. That’s enough for me. I don’t need you to fake sincerity (like the old joke says, if you can fake that…) Just let me think you’re listening.

For the record, I never require that somebody take my advice. You’re free to discard it completely.

But whatever you do, don’t ignore it. Look at why I said what I said. At least pretend to consider it for a minute.

If you disagree, which you’re perfectly entitled and even welcome to do, well, bless your little mistaken heart. Do what you wanted to do in the first place and then come see me after.

I promise to look concerned about damage control.

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